Just Die Damn It

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Aug. 10th, 2004

02:03 am - is this a dream?

I just spent the past 4 hours playing guitar. My fingers are shot. Today was pretty much nothing but guitar day. Tomorrow will probably be the same. I have to practice as much as possible before summer is over. I played STAY AWAY like 15 times because I just figured it out. The solo is pretty fun to play too. It's a lot easier to play than metallica, but with practice anyone can learn any song they want. I knew I shouldn't have drank thos 2 pepsi's tonight because coke is so much better. That and the caffiene keeps me up all night. I wish I had someone to talk to at this hour. Nobody is up at this time. Why does everyone sleep so early? I think I am a vampire. I'm full of energy at night and sluggish during the day. Plus I am kind of pale and have dark hair. Two more weeks until my birthday. I'm getting too old. Some friends of mine told me to leave the 22 open because the word is, some girls are throwing me a party. I barely know these girls, but they are friends of a friend, so if they want to throw a party for someone they barely know, than go ahead. I think it's cool, but weird at the same time. I wonder what they have planned. I hope they're not setting me up for some kind of prank because that would suck. I don't think that will happen though. So I decided to grow my hair out again. I always grow it out and right when it gets kind of long, I cut it. The longest I grew it was to where my lips are or maybe may chin if I pulled it down a little. People said I looked like one of those asian movie stars. I was like, damn it. I'm supposed to look like an asian rock star. Just kidding. Isn't there anybody out there to talk to me? I hate staying up by myself. What could be worse? It seems the only time I'm prefectly sane is when I am by myself. I guess people tend to bring out the weirdness in me. So I picked up SensesFail's new album. Finally got this thing. I've been waiting for the album since 3 and a half years ago. I remember hearing about this band on a little old website called mp3.com. Whatever happened to that site? They had cool free music and I was able to check out upcoming bands before they got populate and distasteful. Although SensesFail have become quite a big band, I still like them, since I was a fan before they got signed. They're pretty cool guys. I've seen them in concert and talked to them. That was an awesome show. They played with a static lullaby, the movielife, and finch. I came for the a static lullaby and sensesfail, but movielife and finch (who knows how many times i've seen them) played a good show as always. Finch is local here, so they're always playing here. hm...I need to go to a concert soon. frankie went to ozzfest without me, but it cost 65 bucks a ticket plus it was all the way up near LA. Anyways, I am going to force myself to sleep.

Current Mood: lonely

Current Music: Porno - just kidding

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Aug. 9th, 2004

05:10 pm - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Just got back from a day of jamming with my buddy. What a day it was. First we went to guitar center in san marcos, which is 30 miles away. My buddy had to return a pedal because it was broken when he got it. When we got there, the guy said, they're all out of those pedals, but they have two left in la mesa. I'm like, shit we have to go all the way down there? So we drive down to la mesa, which took an hour from where we were. We get there and luckily the pedal works and we get it and go to jack in the box because i didn't eat yet. my buddy yanked me out of bed at 11am and I was pretty hung over. anyways, we go back to friend's garage and start jamming. One of the cables was missing, so we didn't get to use both our pedals =/. we still jammed nonetheless. After a few hours , we got bored and it was way too hot outside. we went back in the house to play videogames where i kicked his ass in mortal kombat. i have a song to learn now, so i will get back to working on it because my friend wants to play it tomorrow.

Current Mood: hot

Current Music: The sound of a waterfall from my backyard

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Aug. 8th, 2004

06:35 pm - damn it

What a way to kick off the rest of my summer. The past two nights have been really awesome. Hanging out with my buddies and cracking jokes. What more could I ask for? I laughed so much my cheeks were hurting. Last night I found out I am actually 5'10" not 5'9". I want to be at least 6' =/. I decided to stay inside today because I wanted to work on my music. I haven't been listening to new stuff lately because I'm working on my own style right now. Tomorrow, I'm jamming with Frankie. I think we're going to guitar center because he wants a new stomp box. He might buy a new sg too. If he gets it, we'll sound so awesome. I play a les paul, so a sg would go well with it. I'm not too sure where my future is headed right now. Where will I be 5 years from now? I know I want to do something with music one day. Well, I'm going to get back to working on more songs while summer is still here. Just needed a break.

Current Mood: thirsty

Current Music: Senses Fail - Stephen

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Aug. 6th, 2004

10:56 am - A double post!!!

Maybe i should say something. it seems that i let this get to me more than it should. i havnt said a word since. this is causing me to crumble inside. i cant leave things unfinished. i am a perfectionist, but why have i left this sit for so long. if i can only settle this and put it to rest. then, i will be able to move forward. i feel like im standing still, while everyone around me is accelerating towards the future. I want to let things out, but i want everyone to be happy. i hate to be the villain, but how else can i overcome this? can i just lock it up inside me and throw away the key? knowing that there are unspoken words pounding for release. i can remember all the moments that hurt and those that made me content. she sang to me. she sang a beautiful song with no words. her melody brings tears to me eyes. she plays the solo in the symphony of my soul. i want to tell her things, but i havnt spoken to her for years. shes already moved forward. i want to tell her i am sorry. i couldnt let it go on anymore. the longer i waited, the harder it would be. it would continue to get harder. but why am i still hurting? i never wanted her to become just a memory. i would settle for a friend or more, but i've recieved a stranger in return for not speaking. i can't possibly find happiness by always running away. how can i heal my wounds and make everyone happy? it isn't fair. nobody knows of this except for me. should i conceal this and never speak of it to another soul? we are two different people. i knew that one day our paths would split. i couldnt hold on to you any longer. this is your destiny and my fate. i was scared, i didn't know what to do. so i ran from it. i am an idiot. i want to change. i want to be strong. i want a new definition for myself. the most rewarding things are never easy. i wish they were. my life is so plain. im not living as i want to. living life this way, is dying. im always telling others not to worry, but i worry about others more than myself. where is my life going? i need direction, but i cannot speak of this to anyone. where can i find answers to my problems? when will i find them? all i can say to you is dont worry about me.

I wrote this awhile back when my life was a total mess. A lot of things have changed since then and I think I have grown a lot stronger as a person after this experience.

Find more at my website http://www.geocities.com/mycrotchgoesboing
Yes, it says "my crotch goes boing". The music gets annoying after while, so turn your speakers off.

Current Mood: apathetic

Current Music: Pierrot - ENEMY

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Aug. 5th, 2004

12:12 am - Finally!

So yea, tomorrow is my last day of summer school and I have to take two finals. I am still up studying, but decided to take a break. Today I did my presentation and everyone pretty much pissed their pants because they laugh so hard. That's the reaction I was epxecting. The teacher liked it so much that she wanted to keep my presentation. I was like, go ahead. I don't need it anymore. I also switched to a pic of myself which is really ugly. That picture was taken at like 3AM and the chick was like, be sexy. I was like, shit my eyes are burning from lack of sleep. Man, school is going to suck so hard. I never want to go back. Well, meeting new people and seeing old faces is always nice. So after school is out, I'm going to jam on my guitar for the rest of the summer. I hope me and frankie get better at playing in sync because were always totally off. Either me or him is playing too fast during the songs. Sometimes I'm just in the zone and go crazy. Then a frankie starts screaming at me telling me I'm going to fast. Then I'm like, I'm in the zone damn it. I'm not sorry. You picked the wrong guy to jam with because I'm crazy. Then we both start playing our own stuff and it sounds like "noise". I wrote a song the other day. It sounds really good, but I still need to work on the lyrics. I wrote it playing my acoustic. It has a nice sappy melody that will make the girls melt. Frankie won't like and he'll call me a wuss and beat me up, but that's ok. I think it's a good song. I havn't wrote anything in awhile. I used to write a lot a couple years ago. Only a few of my friends know that I like to write poetry and stuff. I think it'll help my song writing. People say I am really good at poetry. I am published in two books and on a CD! My writing is emotionally driven, so I can't really write that well when I'm not feeling anything. These past few days, I have been thinking about stuff. Then I realized, I should just let it all go and get on with my life. Well, I need to get some sleep. I have to wake up early for my last day of summer school.

Current Mood: weird

Current Music: Metallica - Master of Puppets

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Aug. 2nd, 2004

01:13 am - mendoukusai...

Man.....I just spent the past 4 hours working on my presentation and I'm still not finished. Geez, why do I put myself through so much trouble? Probably because everyone is expecting me to do an interesting presentation because I'm always goofing off in class. They expect funny people to be funny, so I'm making extra funny just to entertain all my fans out there. Man I have been up really late lately. All because of this one girl who made me stay up til 4 AM one night. The crazy chick in the post I made. The one where I am screaming for dear life because she's crazy and wants to kill me. I found out it was her evil twin, so things are cool between us, I think. The truth is, I am in love with the evil twin. I don't know if I should tell the good twin. She is nice and all, but the evil one is much cooler and makes me melt. I like a woman who is demanding. Plus she keeps insisting to sleep in my bed with me...that's always good. I wonder if the twins will fight over me or even better, they share me. Then I will get to base 9 with both of them!!! I want to set records with that one day, but I have to work on getting my magnum fully loaded. So I was watching POP japanese music and they had a special on L'Arc En Ciel. They interviewed them and played some of their videos. The band is just goofy and weird. Ken is probably the weirdest one out of all of them. He doesn't even make sense. I need to find something to do besides go online when I can't sleep. Posting in my journal passes the time. I've been posting a lot lately. I think I posted everyday since that one day I posted. Laruku always finds someway into my posts. Maybe because I listen them to get me sleepy. Hyde has such a soothing voice. I wonder if they will ever play in San Diego. I'd go to see them since I will never get the chance to unless they come here. I wonder if they are big in the states. I go to indie concerts and local bands' shows, which cost me like 5-10 bucks. The most I will pay is 15 bucks for a concert. If laruku comes here, i wonder what the cost will be. I'm sure those people at otakon didn't pay that much to see them. At comic con, there was a guy dressed up as HYDE. He spoke perfect english so I knew it wasn't him. He did a good job on the make up and stuff. That get up was really...femenine, which is exactly what HYDE wears. Damn I sound like a fangirl talking about HYDE. Anyways...last night my cousin talked to me for like 2 or 3 hours because he is having gf problems. First of all, he didn't even tell me he had one. They've been dating for 4 months. Anyways, he tells me it's too expensive to have a gf. I'm like, yea i know what you mean. He's like, no you dont. I spent 700 bucks on this girl in four months. I'm like WTF!?!?!? He's still paying of the bill for that. I'm like holy shit, is she just using you? He says, i dunno. I'm like, dude, you got to find out. He's like, how? For some odd reason, I think she's just using him for his money. I dunno, i don't really want to talk about relationships. My buddies always come to me about their girl troubles, when I got my own to deal with. What makes a girl interested in a guy anways? I don't really know what women want from me. I just give them all I have to give. In the long run, I always chicken out and run away like a wuss. I wish I had a time machine. I wonder how things would've turned out if I made different decisions or just that one decision. This isn't regarding my previous posts, but a prior relationship. 18 months and could've been much longer, but I messed up. Lack of communication was the cause of me losing the only girl I ever loved. Things just got too intense and I felt like I was getting suffocated in the relationship. She consumed a lot of my time and she was totally in love with me. I loved her too, but I needed space to deal with other things in my life. I was losing sleep and a lot of my time just to keep her happy. It's weird how you torture yourself when you love someone. It's just that, I was scared to love. I can't deal with it, it's too overwhelming. Maybe it was because of her obsession with me. I first noticed how much she was infatuated with me when she told me she wanted to be my first and only. Were talking about sex here and she said it in an intimate, romantic way. Anyways, she told me this like only 2 months after we've been seeing eachother. This is weird because she told me that she made a pact with her best friend that she wouldn't have sex until she was married. I guess she broke that promise. It's kind of scary when you think about it. Then again, I felt like a pimp. At the same time, I was thinking, "i'm only a kid, what am i getting myself into?" I shouldn't be doing these kinds of things, I have my whole life ahead of me. I needed time to regather myself. I ran from her. I avoided her without telling her. Weeks passed without a word. Eventually we stopped talking to eachother. We never officially called it off, but I assumed it was over. She's dating one of my ex-friends now. She still wants to be friends and says hi to me every now and then. I don't really make an effort to be her friend. I think she's just trying to make herself feel better because she's dating an ex-friend of mine. I don't really care, I just play the nice guy and say "i'm happy for you". Nice guys do finish last. She tells me, after all this time, you still havnt changed. oh well, things happen for a reason. nobody ever gains. we gain and lose all the time. i just have to deal with it. i don't mean to be emotional, but sometimes when you're up this late, you have nothing better to do than think about these things. Throughout the day I'm just myself and when i'm around other people, i'm happy and crazy. I don't want to show any signs of me being depressed because that's no fun. i'm here to entertain people and make them laugh. this journal is the only place i can turn to. sorry if i sound like a loser, but i rather not turn to anyone to deal with these kinds of things. People always look at me as the care free guy with a bright future. they don't know what i've been through and what i have to put up with. i rather have them not know anyways. i feed off of their happiness and it's the best medicine when you're feeling all emoish. i wonder if anyone out there is in the same boat as me. i've never talked to anyone about these things because who wants to listen to someone talk about their problems? Well I do, but it's to help them. I don't want to give others and inconvenience for me. geez....i think i will shut up now and find something to make me sleepy. hopefully i cheer up then, so you don't have to read these long, annoying posts. Please comment if you read this. I want to what you guys think.

Current Mood: exhausted

Current Music: Laruku - Anata

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Jul. 31st, 2004

11:29 pm - hoo haa!

well im back to normal sanity again. a little topsy turvy going on with my emotions and stuff. so here we are with some random post, nothing in particular this time. it's not going to be one of those sappy post about my crappy life. its going to be like a "wtf is this guy for real? post. so yea, i've been wondering what the laruku concert was like. i wonder if any fangirls got there face smashed in by some huge, butch looking bitch with gold teeth. most likely not, but it was a thought that popped into my head just now. isn't it weird how japanese bands like to wear make up and look pretty? some of these guys are too pretty to be called men. c'mon, hyde and gackt are too pretty for there own good. do girls actually dig that pretty boy look? anyways, i am currently listening to the pillows. they seem to help when i'm feeling down because their music is so upbeat. don't get the wrong idea, i listen to domestic music. you know, stuff in english. i went from being really punk to emo, then i turned all hardcore. Now i just am me. I don't associate myself with any genre now. I don't go to the extremes to express myself with my appearance. I just dress and look normal now. why the change? not really sure. its just that, it was a lot of work to express myself through that image that i just stopped and nobody will get to know my true self unless they deserve it. that is, just talk to me and find out who i am. on anothing note, frankie went to ozzfest today. it's up in LA this year, he's there right now. he called me earlier today around noon. he was so drunk. he said i am a bitch and i should've went because its crazy. it was hilarious. i have to study up since i have finals next week. well this journal is pretty sad. so far i have had 4 comments and two are from me and the others from the same person. thanks for the comments kiyomi or iris, what was your name again? just kidding. well thats it for now. thanks for reading if anyone actually reads this. if you read it please comment!!!! or i will do it myself. have a nice day!

Current Mood: weird

Current Music: the pillows

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01:17 am - today never sleeps

Not much of a journal is it? Why do I always find myself staying up late? I should be sleeping, but something is definetely wrong with me. I've been thinking about my love life lately. And it's pretty sad. I'm lonely!!!!!!! I feel like playing sad songs on the guitar and crying my eyes out. Damn it, why am I so lame? Some people don't know how lucky they are. To have someone that cares about you, to have someone you care about. My relationships are a bunch of scribbles I just want to erase. Why is this feeling coming up now? It never bothered me before. I was always thinking, I don't want to be tied down with some relationship. I just want to do what I want and not feel obliged to do anything. Maybe I should just drop out of life and become a rock star. Jitsu wa, akirameru tsumori ga nai!!!!!!! WOW where'd that come from? I guess it sounds better in nihongo. I've been thinking abour Sarah a lot. Everytime I think of finding someone, her name pops up. She's the only girl I found to be someone I can actually be with. She's not fake nor is she high maintenance. She's hott and has a sense of humor. Plus, she makes me feel special because every guy in class likes her and they all sit around her desk. But she chooses me to talk to. She always laughed at my jokes, though I didn't intent them to be funny. I can't really figure it out. It's something about her. I can't get her out of my mind. This was a year ago. I should be over it now, but then I saw her again a few months ago. I waved and said hi as I walked towards her. Then she smiled and said, "hi" as she was walking up the steps. Then her boyfriend walks up the steps behind her and I kept walking past the both of them. I kind of felt stupid, but at the same time I was kind of hurt. That guy didn't seem like the guy she would go out with, but what do I know? They were in my science class together, so it sucked that I had to sit there and see them all mushy with eachother. I didn't even speak to her after that and she seemed to not notice me at all. I kind of regret not making a move a year ago. I wonder if she really would have said yes. I feel like an idiot. Did I just think that she would be interested in me? I have no balls at all. I still remember the day I first met her. She walked in and hit my friend's desk with the door really hard. I was laughing and she was trying to apoligize. Then she sat next to me. I was surprised because she was so good looking. She would always lean over to say something in the middle of class. I would always make comments and she would laugh. She would always ask me if she could join my group during group discussions. I would say yes of course. What am I saying? None of this matters anymore. This is a thing of the past. It's time for to move on. I shouldn't even care about stuff like this. I am too young to love and to old to care. I have more important things to worry about. I've wasted too much time already. This is the last time I will let it all because I'm ready to move on and not look back. I will keep moving forward because there's no turning back when I made up my mind. No good comes out of this, so why should I bother? I'm just a someone in the world and my feelings aren't going to make a difference to anyone. My problems shall remain my problems and not anyone else's. So I think I won't tell Sarah how I feel because that might cause her to get second thoughs. At least that's what should happen, but anyways...I am happy to finally get this out of my system. Wow I never made a post this long. Plus this is an emotional post, which I rarely do. Most my posts are just weird and crazy, but this one actually has meaning. There's no point in reading it, since its just a thing of the past. Which I won't allow to get in my way ever again.

Current Mood: depressed

Current Music: Laruku - Pieces

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Jul. 30th, 2004

Jul. 29th, 2004

Jul. 14th, 2004